I no longer believe that time will heal. It probably will ease the pain a little, but it doesn’t heal.
18 years ago, she called me that one night and requested me to go and accompany her. I still remember it was a Friday, because I told her there is no school the next day, no ECA (it’s now called CCA) and I will be able to visit her early.
She tried to persuade me because it was at 8ish in the evening, I know Dad won’t agree to have me travel down so late, I assured her I will come by the next day, wait for me.
“It will be too late if you come by tomorrow.”
These were one of her last words.
We hung up, I never put much thought into that call because she was very ill, and has been wanting more attention. I thought that might be one of those attention grabbing moment.
It never occur to me that that was one of her last wish.
Before the call, I was thinking about her. I walked to the calendar hanging outside my room, calculated the days and told Papa that her birthday is coming is just another 5 days away, moments just before that call.
For the whole week before that very day, I had the same dream for the whole week. Exact same dreams for a week, unbelievable. I dreamt of her passing on.
She was illiterate. She couldn’t even read numbers, yet she troubled my auntie to call me up that evening. Why didn’t I know earlier?
Just a few weeks before this day, I was having my semester break, hence I went to stay over and helped look after her. At that time, she already had motion incontinence. I helped to bath her one day, she told me she is a burden and hope to join my grandpa who passed on a year before her.
I cried, badly. I told her she can’t leave me just like that.
Seeing me crying uncontrollably. She consoled me and said, “I will live to see you get married and have kids.”
I broke into a smile upon hearing that.
My world came crashing down the moment I heard she left. I was sitting in Papa’s taxi and looking out of the window in a daze. “How could this even happen? Didn’t we just chat few hours ago?”
I was in a daze, but I didn’t shed a tear.
When we reached, I saw her half seated on her usual foldable chair, no longer responding, motionless, that instant I can no longer control my emotions.
Whatever that took place the day before, and that day itself, is unforgettable.
Today, lunar 4th day of seventh month marks her 18th year death anniversary.
Hubs played a song on his phone and trigger all my misses I have for her all these years. Memories of her are still fresh.
I miss her terribly. How nice to have her around, and see my children, sharing with them the same stories she shared with me.
The only woman who loves me so much more and unconditionally, I miss you, Ah Ma.